Before the plummet. 

Do you find the time in between
Just drives you wild?

I simply cannot. Will not.

“I am melting into the nothingness that I face.”
“Take what you will, what you will
And leave. Could you kill, could you kill me
If the world was on fire 
and nothing was left but hope or desire?
And take all that I could bring forth, is this hell
Or am I on the floor over-desperate? 
Hold hands streaming of blood again?
And then take full weight of me 
Guard my dreams, figure this out, 
It’s me on my own. Helpless, hurting, hell.
Will you stay strong as you promised?
Cause I’m stranded and bare.
Meanness is washed up in all that I am 
is God. Take this and all,
Then grace takes me to a place 
Of the father you never had 
Ripping and breaking and tearing apart 
This is not heaven
This is my hell.”

- ”(*fin)” - Anberlin

“Finally the sky fades.”

I honestly almost forgot about this.

“One step forward.
Ten steps back.”

And so the darkness in my head grows louder yet again. An ever-looming pulsing in my mind, the chaos steadily perseveres. The throbbing—it is like a ticking clock—reminds me time and time over that time is flying wishfully past. My brain attempts to absorb everything, all the time, and analyze it, like a computer processor. I have masterfully learned to perfect this torment into a practical and helpful skill, yet I have reached the brink. I spin too fast now, out of control. The thoughts tumble and crash into each other. Despite all my efforts, all I can do is cling to the ground, and await the oncoming storm. It comes quickly.

And I cannot be stopped.

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          [and so
                      he rants.]


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